After my initial feverish blogging, there has been a sudden slowing down in my reading and writing, even though the less developed third r has been mercifully spared. I just couldn't get myself to compose myself my thoughts and my words. While this usually doesn't bother me much as I tend to let it all hang out (like my blowsy untidy hair), this time the thoughts and the underlying emotions were just too chaotic to be captured in any morphous structure. I just let these feeling flow through me , watching, waiting for them to give me a breather. Thats when I visited Scott and learnt about a long deep breath. Its great to 'bangalore' thinking too! Ah! so that's what it was! Here I am trying it out. Exhaling and wondering what apparates...
This goes back a bit. Not neatly and correctly to the beginning of 2005, not even to the end of 2004, but slightly further back. But the same 'mood' lingered and even the beginning of 2005, I didn't know what or where I was. In my head, my thoughts, my feelings, my body, my hair, my skin, my clothes, my work, my home, my marriage, my family, my city, I didn't know where I was. I didn't what I was doing. I didn't know what I was. But in the midst of all this, life was living itself through me, around me. I underwent severe stresses, losses, changed cities, changed jobs, changed the way I looked upon myself, changed the way people looked at me. Yet, it wasn't me who did any of that. What I did was going through the motions. Mouthing the 'right' words, doing the 'correct' things at work, taking the positions accepted of me, generally playing the role of 'Shankari Murali'. The woman, sister, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, 'friend'!? While there remained a huge void which no one could fill for me, because, I wasn't thinking for my self. Through all the foggy drama, the one character who was prominently MIA was me.
There was, through all the routine rush, a tremendous sense of malaise and extreme exhaustion. I just couldn't keep digging into my reserve of behaviour to hand out the appropriate reactions to all and sundry who expected me shed all I had in the manner of a female karna with the multi aspected world of a grasping Indra. I wanted out. I wanted to indemnify myself from these demands by declaring myself bankrupt. Insolvency through insanity. Somehow these easy options are never available to me. Finish it I say, but life propels one forward, even if it were a mere roller coaster which takes you up and down and all around without reaching you in a different place than where it started.
So if thats how it began, what happened? With all extenuating circumstances staying constant, how I did finally cope? Maybe I just got tired of being thrown yo-yo like in the mood of the moment. Maybe it was a delayed reaction to the de-tox and de-stress at the pricey spa I had gone to in 2004, maybe it was just a change of scene at the work place, maybe it was my innate resilience rising to the occasion at long last, or, maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with the miracle drugs I was on tackling my hormones. Whatever I may say, even if I were to ostrich-like deny it, there was a distinct shift in my attitude from mid-May and onwards.
It started with my hair in May! Even if remains as blowsy as ever, I'm much more comfortable with my mane now. I finally realised that my hair isn't merely a defiant statement but just a pretty common part of me like my short nails, flabby abs and all the rest of the physical me. Then came the drug induced health which miraculously included weight loss. It helped me shed more than mounds, it rid me of a lot of my melancholia, though the down side was that I shed hair too! Suddenly I realised the importance of my hair yet again. But enough of these hairy tales. The silver lining is, theres more silver in my hair now! Hullo me! :-)
This has also been the first year in a long time when we haven't been in and out of hospitals, ICUs and such like. The fact that our family conversations about body parts and bodily functions are in the nature of 'dirty' jokes, must be the healthiest sign of the year!
Getting to the more intangible me- I seem to have gained some sort of perspective on these past few years of manic-depressive (I realise the term is not favoured any more, but WTH!) me. I have found help in some chemicals which aren't warping me totally yet seem to soothe and smooth me some. The positives of this change must have been the most deeply felt by my immediate family who may have found me less tortured and more patient with them. I was available much more even if I was always fully there. My frowns started 'decreasing'. I found myself smiling at times for no reason at all. Strangers approached me with tentative smiles and were taken aback at my non-hostile response! Hullo!
And then there was the wedding! The details of arrangements to be made, things to be supervised, lists to be drawn up, flower decorations to be okayed, the house to be dolled up, the 'look' for each event, the clothes, the colours, the accessories! The blouses to be stitched, the dupattas to be matched, the bangles to be tried on, the 'jootis', the nail enamel for each dress, o what a tremendous production it was! The ultimate accessory being a colour cordinated family to match! I tried out colours I hadn't worn in years- pinks and turquoise. I even ventured to wear hues I'd never experimented with- parrot green! The shopping and the entire wedding tamasha kept me in thrall for nearly one month of the year. It was much cheaper and definitely more therapeutic for the tired eyes, listless skin and jaded nerves than the ayurvedic massages and intense treatments of the spa. Thank you, 'Ran-jay' for choosing to get married in Bangalore!
Then I discovered Ellen's book and her blog and got myself some therapy via blogger.
Ok, now for the final surprise! All my dear girl friends who have been confounded on discovering that I didn't have even a handy reel of plain white thread and needles, who had given up on me as a totally undomesticated creature, think again. Spurred on a new friend in my *support* group, Cherubs and encouraged by women like artsymama I embarked on a major endeavour over the Christmas holiday. I started a spring cleaning of the shelves (in December! aided in large measure by the barmy Bangalore weather) and lo and behold, I came upon such a veritable treasure of laces, buttons, anchor skeins of silky threads, hooks, needles, shells, ribbons, of all textures and colours. I actually traced and cut and glued and crafted plenty of cards and gifts to be given away to the kids' friends. I involved them in it and spent surprising hours of 'quality' time with the nearly cynical preteen and the adoring kid. Thank you all for helping me discover this aspect of myself. With all the help I'm getting, I may yet be a scrapper!
And while I breathe out, let me slip out a really deep secret. Even as a child, there would a tingle in my spine each time I passed the Singer show room in Connaught Place. At times I went in and made vague enquiries about models and their relative merits only to walk out bemused and unconvinced that I could actually turn the mean wheel of a machine. Maybe some day not so far away, I may be able to realise that unlikely dream to actually own a sewing machine! With such rose tinted wishes, heres looking forward to a happy and healthy 2006 for all of us!
Whhhew! that was a long deep one, feel much better to have it expelled.
This goes back a bit. Not neatly and correctly to the beginning of 2005, not even to the end of 2004, but slightly further back. But the same 'mood' lingered and even the beginning of 2005, I didn't know what or where I was. In my head, my thoughts, my feelings, my body, my hair, my skin, my clothes, my work, my home, my marriage, my family, my city, I didn't know where I was. I didn't what I was doing. I didn't know what I was. But in the midst of all this, life was living itself through me, around me. I underwent severe stresses, losses, changed cities, changed jobs, changed the way I looked upon myself, changed the way people looked at me. Yet, it wasn't me who did any of that. What I did was going through the motions. Mouthing the 'right' words, doing the 'correct' things at work, taking the positions accepted of me, generally playing the role of 'Shankari Murali'. The woman, sister, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, 'friend'!? While there remained a huge void which no one could fill for me, because, I wasn't thinking for my self. Through all the foggy drama, the one character who was prominently MIA was me.
There was, through all the routine rush, a tremendous sense of malaise and extreme exhaustion. I just couldn't keep digging into my reserve of behaviour to hand out the appropriate reactions to all and sundry who expected me shed all I had in the manner of a female karna with the multi aspected world of a grasping Indra. I wanted out. I wanted to indemnify myself from these demands by declaring myself bankrupt. Insolvency through insanity. Somehow these easy options are never available to me. Finish it I say, but life propels one forward, even if it were a mere roller coaster which takes you up and down and all around without reaching you in a different place than where it started.
So if thats how it began, what happened? With all extenuating circumstances staying constant, how I did finally cope? Maybe I just got tired of being thrown yo-yo like in the mood of the moment. Maybe it was a delayed reaction to the de-tox and de-stress at the pricey spa I had gone to in 2004, maybe it was just a change of scene at the work place, maybe it was my innate resilience rising to the occasion at long last, or, maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with the miracle drugs I was on tackling my hormones. Whatever I may say, even if I were to ostrich-like deny it, there was a distinct shift in my attitude from mid-May and onwards.
It started with my hair in May! Even if remains as blowsy as ever, I'm much more comfortable with my mane now. I finally realised that my hair isn't merely a defiant statement but just a pretty common part of me like my short nails, flabby abs and all the rest of the physical me. Then came the drug induced health which miraculously included weight loss. It helped me shed more than mounds, it rid me of a lot of my melancholia, though the down side was that I shed hair too! Suddenly I realised the importance of my hair yet again. But enough of these hairy tales. The silver lining is, theres more silver in my hair now! Hullo me! :-)
This has also been the first year in a long time when we haven't been in and out of hospitals, ICUs and such like. The fact that our family conversations about body parts and bodily functions are in the nature of 'dirty' jokes, must be the healthiest sign of the year!
Getting to the more intangible me- I seem to have gained some sort of perspective on these past few years of manic-depressive (I realise the term is not favoured any more, but WTH!) me. I have found help in some chemicals which aren't warping me totally yet seem to soothe and smooth me some. The positives of this change must have been the most deeply felt by my immediate family who may have found me less tortured and more patient with them. I was available much more even if I was always fully there. My frowns started 'decreasing'. I found myself smiling at times for no reason at all. Strangers approached me with tentative smiles and were taken aback at my non-hostile response! Hullo!
And then there was the wedding! The details of arrangements to be made, things to be supervised, lists to be drawn up, flower decorations to be okayed, the house to be dolled up, the 'look' for each event, the clothes, the colours, the accessories! The blouses to be stitched, the dupattas to be matched, the bangles to be tried on, the 'jootis', the nail enamel for each dress, o what a tremendous production it was! The ultimate accessory being a colour cordinated family to match! I tried out colours I hadn't worn in years- pinks and turquoise. I even ventured to wear hues I'd never experimented with- parrot green! The shopping and the entire wedding tamasha kept me in thrall for nearly one month of the year. It was much cheaper and definitely more therapeutic for the tired eyes, listless skin and jaded nerves than the ayurvedic massages and intense treatments of the spa. Thank you, 'Ran-jay' for choosing to get married in Bangalore!
Then I discovered Ellen's book and her blog and got myself some therapy via blogger.
Ok, now for the final surprise! All my dear girl friends who have been confounded on discovering that I didn't have even a handy reel of plain white thread and needles, who had given up on me as a totally undomesticated creature, think again. Spurred on a new friend in my *support* group, Cherubs and encouraged by women like artsymama I embarked on a major endeavour over the Christmas holiday. I started a spring cleaning of the shelves (in December! aided in large measure by the barmy Bangalore weather) and lo and behold, I came upon such a veritable treasure of laces, buttons, anchor skeins of silky threads, hooks, needles, shells, ribbons, of all textures and colours. I actually traced and cut and glued and crafted plenty of cards and gifts to be given away to the kids' friends. I involved them in it and spent surprising hours of 'quality' time with the nearly cynical preteen and the adoring kid. Thank you all for helping me discover this aspect of myself. With all the help I'm getting, I may yet be a scrapper!
And while I breathe out, let me slip out a really deep secret. Even as a child, there would a tingle in my spine each time I passed the Singer show room in Connaught Place. At times I went in and made vague enquiries about models and their relative merits only to walk out bemused and unconvinced that I could actually turn the mean wheel of a machine. Maybe some day not so far away, I may be able to realise that unlikely dream to actually own a sewing machine! With such rose tinted wishes, heres looking forward to a happy and healthy 2006 for all of us!
Whhhew! that was a long deep one, feel much better to have it expelled.
7 comments:
What a great reflection on your year - I need to do that myself! I'm glad you are ending the year on top - I'm sending you good thoughts and wishes for the new year - ready? Here they come...
Thanks Becky! A similar bunch of wishes to you! :)
Wow, great post! Thanks for being so open and honest. I am truly flattered that I made an impact on you! Here's to a NEW YEAR!!
Oh yea, and TAG...YOU'RE IT!!
List 5 weird things about yourself and then "tag" 5 other people to do the same. And then post on their blog that they have been "tagged."
Have fun!
Ah Singer machine, good old nostalgia.
Wishing you and your family a very Happy & Prosperous New Year 2006 !!!
Wishing you a healthy and a prosperous 2006. You seem to have been going through a lot.. Anchor sets.. I remember them... It was a good way to pass our time.. long back.... and yeah you have made great progress from what you have written..
and I guess that is the clincher.. no matter what .. you have not lost yourself... and wishing you many more good memories for the coming years.. :)
This"nice long one" was wonderful to read,the angst ,the flowing with life and its changes....
I could relate to it in many ways..I guess each year only helps us enlarge our world and teaches us through each day!
Have a magical year...:)
Can't believe that some of you have actually read this stuff!!
What really helped me come out (from under the carpet or is it out of the closet?) is the fact that I've finally realised that this isn't just something happening to me. Its life! And those of you who can help me with mine, please do!
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