Personal

CP & I

NOTE: This post is not, repeat NOT, about dh or my marriage. This post, like the rest of this unleavened blog, is about me.

As a child I was notoriously shy. There were stories of how people had to bend extremely low to be able to hear me apart from the tales of how I never seemed to pay any attention, be interested in any thing around me. I had many friends and no single best friend to choose amongst them.

Then there were the usual loyalty issues at home. Being the youngest, I was always asked to align myself with one of my ever sparring siblings. Big brother was very very much older and spent the little time we had together being alternately kind and cruel, like one would with a pet mouse. Big S was more forthright and took charge, demanding pledges of absolute loyalty.

There was this instance when the maha block-bluster was released in the mid-1970s (Sholay). Being that we were non-filmi types, our family was the only one in the entire neighbourhood, which hadn't seen it! The songs- they were everywhere. Inspired by one such, Big S asked to hold my hand and sing with her about how our friendship would be eternal and that it would live on even after our breath leaves our bodies and so on. To her everlasting chagrin and, I must admit, to my credit, I never held her hand or made any such promise to her. Some such song may have been sung by dh too (oh, I suffer so from amnesia), but I have never been pinned down by a word to any one.

There were others who tried to play the emotional blackmail game, if you like/love/care for me, then you have to ----- and just this way.

I never commit. I never promise anyone anything. And yet can never hold myself back from delivering on all those promises not made. Put myself through all manner of extremes and unpleasant stuff to endure, last out, see things through, stay till the end, do the done thing - but, I don't ever commit. I never say ever or never.

So whom am I fooling?